I went to the ER. They admitted me. They checked me.
After having contractions every day since my last doctor's appointment- on Tuesday- I had progressed ABSOLUTELY EFFING ZERO. Nothing. 2 centimeters, 50% effaced.
|I hate everything.|
EFF YOU CONTRACTIONS.
So, at 5:15 they told me they would have me walk to see if we could get things going. She said, "You can have a cup of ice and go walk. Don't come back until 7:00- unless your water breaks, you can't walk because the contractions are so bad, or you're bleeding." (Well, she said it nicer than that... but still.)
So I walked.
I really got to know not only the Labor and Delivery unit, but the Post-Partum unit.
I made friends with nurses.
I did walking lunges. (Wow. That's a whole new kind of pain- doing a walking lunge with a baby in your pelvis. Holy crap.)
I walked by the nurses stations repeatedly. By the end of my walk, they all knew I had a 5 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and was doing my best to get the baby girl out of my body.
I squatted through some contractions, until a nurse saw me and came running and asked if I was okay. So, after that I tried to do it when no one was around. Didn't want to alarm anyone.
I thought about Captain Mal, and applied his wisdom to my childbirth experiences:
|"It never goes smooth! How come it never goes smooth?"|
I returned to my room at 7, convinced that something had happened, because I was incredibly sore and tired.
NOTHING. 2 cm. 50%.
So they sent me home.
That felt like a special kind of failure. I cried. A lot.
So I get to do this again until May 7. Because I'm pretty sure I can't handle another false alarm, so I'm not going in again unless my water breaks all over everything. I mean, those people on "I didn't know I was pregnant" have stomach aches, and then end up having a baby on the toilet or in the bathtub, right before the act break. But seriously, I'm not going to go through this again.
|Oh Tobias. You blowhard.|
- Pretend I'm not pregnant.
- Ignore contractions
- Try working out again
- Do housework tomorrow
- Go to the hospital on May 7 and coerce her out.
So don't expect me to be nice. Or patient. Or friendly. And if you ask me "What's the hold up?" (like a co-worker did on Friday) I will probably punch you. And kick you. Hard.
As my son said as we drove to the hospital today: "I know you really want the baby to come out. I mean, that's why you cry a lot and pee all the time, right?"
And just to make me feel better, here's this:
|"I'm a leaf on the wind..." Yes I know Captain Mal didn't say that. You want to argue with me?|